Chemotherapy Mondays

Every Sunday night before I go into hospital the next day, a sense of dread looms over me. More often than not I worry for nothing, but that fear always remains and I expect it always will. My maintenance treatment means that I only have to go to hospital once every couple of weeks, but that is plenty enough for me! The staff at the hospital are always fantastic and make me feel at ease but during the car journey, you forget all of this. What if my chemotherapy needs to be increased again? Or my blood results come back and they aren't what was expected? I'm ashamed to say I even worry about the size of the needle they put in the back of my hands to administer the drugs. It's a pretty daunting experience and I imagine that many people in my situation feel the same way, that there is always a "what if" in the back of your mind. I think that what I dislike about visiting hospital the most, is that right now, I feel fine! I feel as if my life is returning to something that resembles normality and these hospital trips are something of a grounding back to reality and a reminder that I need to be careful. Maybe it is a good thing to be reminded to err on the side of caution and make sure I don't over reach myself, but it does also make me remember that I'm not a "normal" teenager and that is a pretty bitter pill to swallow, if you'll excuse the pun!

The other really tough thing to deal with at the hospital, is the smell. It sounds so strange but the really pungent stink of the antiseptic wipes brings back so many grim memories that it makes me wretch. For the next few days afterwards, no amount of showers can wash away the clinging scent, to the extent whereby I have developed a psychological tick and I feel the compulsion to spit continuously. Often the time that I spend in the hospital isn't too bad at all, although I doubt I'll ever develop a love for needles and cannulas! Obviously, the effects of the chemotherapy leave much to be desired but I'm grateful that I have such fantastic people in and out of hospital willing to help me through each chemotherapy Monday.